My Confession

So everybody is self-conscious of something about themselves. Everyone. Sometimes, to relieve the tension of what it is about myself that makes me so uneasy, I make little jokes about it. It kinda bugs me when people don't accept the joke and say things like "no you're not" and "of course you do!" Seriously, just let me wallow. It makes me feel better.

Some things in particular that make me squirm:

Here's a given. My height. (I know, everyone is jumping to my defense, thinking "you're not THAT tall," or "Tall is beautiful." Thank you very much for being loyal, but trust me, I know and I believe you...doesn't change a thing though.) I would give anything to be little for just one day. Okay...maybe a week. To be able to find clothes that fit because I'm a normal sized person would be EUPHORIA! To get to wear the adorable high heels that I so covetously desire! Oh, Good Glory!! Since I can remember, my dearest wish was to someday be able to curl up in the lap of my beloved and just be cuddled. But...that cannot happen, I am too big. I don't fit. The only men I know that are big enough to do such a thing are my brothers. Jenny, I love you, but when Todd brought you home the first time I could have shot him. Shot him for falling for such a darling, tiny girl (And don't think you're off the hook Robb, I could have done it to you too). I could have done it for all the tall girls out there. There's a certain camaraderie amongst tall girls...I catch the eye of another woman my height (can't miss her, she's the only one at eye level) and there's a certain common knowledge. It's like she's saying, "Yep, I understand sista...I understand."It's like a club. During the tumultuous pubescent years, it was a little difficult to deal with...considering by the time I entered 5th grade I was taller than all the boys, girls--and all the teachers. As I came of age I realized that being tall is a part of my personality. The way I am wouldn't fit on a small girl, and I came to love the the way I am. It can still cause problems though, even though I've embraced my extra long self. I still avoid with zealousness the possibility of standing, sitting, lying, and/or walking next to a small girl. My little heart can't bear the comparison. Some of Chris's friends have absolutely tiny wives. When we get together they are all dainty and take up hardly any space...and then I come lumbering along. Ugh.

Another odd thing that I'm slightly self conscious of is my taste in music. When I first meet someone, a common question is "What kind of music do you like." Cue the stuttering and stalling! I don't have a particular kind of music I like. Honestly, I hardly ever like popular music...it just usually sounds like noise to me. Someone asks me my favorite song and I'm more likely to come up with something by Simon and Garfunkle than anything new. I never know who sings what song. Don't be confused into thinking that I don't care much for listening to music...oh no, I take my music very seriously. I need to listen to something almost constantly. I cannot clean efficiently without it, I can't enjoy a good game without something playing. There's no possibility of exercising without something to distract me from the pain (do not be confused again into thinking that I work out more than a couple times a year.) To face my fears and insecurities in the musical taste arena, I will give you a playlist of what I listen to when I (supposedly) work out. Some of it is quite good, others you will probably think I'm "a bit wonky."

If I'm feeling particularly bouncy:

"Viva La Vida" by Cold Play (I only know that because it says so in iTunes...)

"Lollipop" and "Love Today" by Mika (This music is flamboyantly gay...but I dare you not to dance to these candies-for-your-ears)

"Unwritten" by Natasha Beningfield

"Happy Girl" by Martina McBride

(If you are male and listen to any of the two afore mentioned songs...you may be flamboyantly gay. Just FYI)

"Here In Your Arms" by hellogoodbye (People either love it or hate it. I am of the "love it" persuasion)

"Flat Head" by the Frailties (Not possible to not shake your hips)

"Single Ladies" by Beyonce (Super bouncy, except for the weird middle which always gives me a bad, burny feeling in my stomach...)

"Diner" by Martin Sexton (It's about a Diner...)

"Cecilia" by Simon and Garfunkle (told ya)

If I'm in a work-my-tail-off mood:

"All These Things That I've Done" by the Killers (Keep in mind this was a hugely popular song...years ago and I'm now coming around to it.)

"Mr. Brightside" by the Killers (Again...)

"Paralyzer" by Finger Eleven (In one word: Awesome)

"Son of Man" and "Two Worlds" in the Tarzan soundtrack (seriously)

"Lose Yourself" by Eminem (yeah, I have to be honest...It pumps me up. I know, I know)

"You Are Loved" by Josh Groban (yep, I'm such a girl)

If I just wanna listen to music

"Till Kingdom Come" by Coldplay

"Book of Love" by Peter Gabriel

Pretty much any of the classics of Nat King Cole (not even kidding)

"Fix You" and "The Scientist" by Coldplay (I must like Coldplay...)

The soundtrack to 'The Gladiator" "Batman Begins" or "The Davinci Code" (Seriously, don't even talk to me while I'm listening...I won't answer) Hans Zimmer is a fraggin genius. Good stuff, that is.

There, I faced my fear, and now you know what music I like. Some of it's good, some of it's weird. Take it or leave it. You also know how I feel about my genetic propensity for extra tall clothing. Now that I've got that off my chest (sigh) I feel better.

(Next time, I would post about all the things I like about myself...but it would be even longer, and I'd just be bragging.)